Game of Thrones Parody
by marauderjay161
Summary: Welcome to a Westeros where Theon is vegan, Arya is a jedi, and Jaime has a pimple. Rated T for now, rating may change.


Scene 1

Three men of the Night's Watch ride out of the tunnel. One of them, the younger one with brown hair, turns to the other two, Will and the older guy.

Ser Waymar Royce: Alright gang, let's split up and look for clues.

Gared: No way. I've watched enough horror movies to know what happens next. I'm not splitting up.

Will nods in agreement.

Ser Waymar Royce: Are you questioning my authority?

Gared: Why are you in charge anyway? I'm clearly the oldest.

Ser Waymar Royce: If there's one thing people should take from this, it's that those in leadership roles are either pricks, in danger of going from hero to villain, or won't make it to the end of the series alive. Do you want to be one of those people?

Gared: No.

Will: Still doesn't explain why I'm not in charge. I'm probably the most important person in this scene.

Ser Waymar Royce: Silence, discount northern Lannister. Do you have anything else to say?

Will stays silent.

Ser Waymar Royce: Good. Now, let's split up and look for clues.

Will walks further into the forest.

White Walker #1: The snow is always colder,

On this side of the Wall,

We dream about climbing up there,

To kill and torture and maul,

Will: Great. The Wildlings are having another rave party.

White Walker #2: Just look at the snow around you,

Right here on the cold ice floor,

We're waiting under here to grab you,

What else would you be dyin' for?

Will follows the voice to the dead Wildlings.

Will: Any experienced man of the Night's Watch knows that Wildlings and raves don't mix... (Notices the dead Wildlings)... Oh, they're dead.

Will runs back to Gared and Ser Waymar Royce

Will: They died. All of them. Together.

Ser Waymar Royce: How?

Will: They all died of xeroderma pigmentosum disorder.

Gared: Sounds legit. A rare disorder that is triggered by exposure to sunlight was what killed all those Wildlings.

Ser Waymar Royce: We should still check, anyway.

Gared: Absolutely. What could possibly go wrong?

Will: We could all die.

Ser Waymar Royce: Will, this constant pessimism is why nobody at Castle Black likes you.

Will, Gared and Ser Waymar Royce go to see the dead Wildlings.

Gared: (nodding his head) The apocalypse has begun.

Ser Waymar Royce: Will's dead men have moved camp, and you think this means the apocalypse?

Gared: Here's what we know. Will saw a bunch of dead Wildlings. We return to the scene of the crime, and they've gone. The explanation? Zombies.

Ser Waymar Royce: If this is true, we should look for them.

The trio split up.

Gared: Look what I found!

Ser Waymar Royce: An organ of a dead man?

Gared: No, a Game of Thrones trading card. And it's a rare one too, look, No One!

Ser Waymar Royce: Has there ever been such a thing as a Game of Thrones trading card?

Gared: Maybe, or maybe the author made it up.

Ser Waymar Royce: Keep it anyway. It could be useful.

Out of nowhere, a ninja White Walker comes swinging into the scene.

White Walker: (stabbing Ser Waymar Royce) Man down!

Gared throws the trading card at the White Walker. It leaves a cut on his torso.

Gared: Of course! Trading cards of the Faceless Men come with edges guaranteed to wound White Walkers! And now I run.

Gared runs

Will: You look like you lost something, or someone important.

Gared: I did. I only knew him for a short time, but it was the best time of my life.

Will: I'm sure Ser Waymar would appreciate that.

Gared: (confused) What do you mean? I was talking about my No One trading card.

A White Walker jumps behind Gared.

White Walker: You collect Game of Thrones trading cards?

Gared: Got about 700 of them.

White Walker: Do you collect Avengers trading cards?

Gared turns to face the White Walker.

Gared: Let's see... A universe full of trickery, politics, war, magic and sex versus a universe with superheroes... What do you think?

The White Walker chops Gared's head off.

Will: If you let me go, I'll give you my Taskmaster trading card.

Scene fades.


End file.
